Hold on, I just need to whine about money for a second.

I’m having a little dilemma in regards to my second job. Kate knows- I spent a bit of time last night emphatically encouraging her to not get one.

Basically, I just don’t know if my time is worth the money.

It brings home about $100 a week, at most. Lately it’s been less because I’ve been hella sick (oh, my strep totally came back, by the way. I’m medicated this time). Has the extra money been useful? Of course. Of course it has, and that’s why this is a problem. The cash is useful, especially in the last two or three weeks wherein we have been going out way too much. But I just hate it so much. I want my time back. My precious weekends (I’ve been making an effort to get at least one weekend day off, which helps, but still doesn’t feel like enough)!

Logical solution: stick to the damn budget we created forever ago. Blamo, problem solved. I should modify said budget to allow for X amount of entertainment dollars (bar nights, dinner out, etc) and when that money is gone, it’s gone. Learning to say no would also be helpful. No we are not going to the bar with you, we are staying home for Netflix and popcorn!

That said, even if we manage to accomplish that successfully (god, we are the worst), that doesn’t negate the fact that the extra money is nice. We have a credit card to pay off, and every little bit helps. Darren and I are sitting in the same boat here. There are big parts of both of us that want me to quit Macy’s, because it eats up a lot of my time and is making me crazy. But we both recognize the benefit as well. On the other hand, the debt is not huge. We can pay it off without the added money. It’s just, extra dollars = quicker repayment. Obviously.

The other thing is, Darren’s job is a long-term temp assignment. Could he be hired on in this position permanently? Yes. But there’s no guarantee. There’s no specific end date either, so who the hell knows. Maybe he’d be able to get unemployment, hopefully he’d get another assignment or a permanent job quickly, but either way would there be enough income? There are just so many uncertainties and I’m a giant worrier so the end result is me going batshit because I don’t know what to do.

I have a loose plan right now, and that is as follows: take the job day by day, with a definite end time of late May regardless of financial standing. I’m not spending all summer working non-stop, that’s for damn sure. Barring potential disaster, of course. Ideally I will be done sooner, but I’m just going to see what happens. Work on budgeting, spend a little more money on groceries rather than going out whenever we’re bored with what’s in the fridge. What else can we do? Nothing but get our shit together and be responsible adults. I mean really.

The good news is, we don’t owe taxes this year. Not federally, at least. Getting some money back even, which we can put into savings because oh yeah, the car’s transmission is going and goddamn that thing just costs us so much money we really just need to replace it (seriously, ever since we got it, something breaks right before Christmas and we have to spend several hundred dollars on that rather than Christmas presents. But it was free!). On top of everything else. Adulthood is so. Much. Fun.

Mkay. Rant over!

I’m going to end on something happy: the weather is supposed to be decent for the next couple of days, so I am wearing a cute skirt today – with leggings – and it is delightful. Yay!

two-zero-one-three

I think my last new year’s resolution was when I said I’d spend more time naked in 2011. Right. I don’t really do the big life-changing resolutions – I tend to make those decisions whenever the need arises.

Having said that, in the spirit of all the resolution-y blog posts I’ve been reading the last couple days (which I love, by the way), I thought I’d write up my own little list of things I’m going to keep working on in 2013 and beyond:

Since I started working at Macy’s, my free time is a lot more precious and I started using it to straight up relax. Which is all well and good, but it sort of wrecked my habit of regular workouts. I still go to the gym every morning during the work week, but my evenings with Jillian pretty much stopped. I haven’t gained weight, but I also haven’t made any progress on anything physical in like a month. The holiday season didn’t help. So I’m going to make exercise more of a priority again. 20 minutes is not too much to ask of myself when I have a night off.

Going along with that, Christmastime ruined my diet. I mean I don’t diet per se, but I eat fairly well most of the time. But with holiday meals and cookies and other treats being so prevalent this past month, I let myself get distracted. It’s one month out of the year, so whatever. But now it’s time to get back on the horse.

I’ve made some nice changes to my wardrobe in the past six months or so. I, like most people, feel better when I wear clothes that I actually like and look good in. It help that I shrunk out of things- it’s easy to get rid of stuff when it doesn’t fit. Gives me a nice excuse. It takes time, though, and obviously money. If I could I’d take myself on a shopping spree, but that’s not possible, so I do it a little bit at a time. So far so good. Will keep going.

I’ll keep working on my 30 by 30 list. Fun!

I’m going to make a point, for however long I stay at Macy’s, to try to always have one weekend day off. This won’t always be possible, but I’ll do what I can to make it so.

And y’know, in the interest of my own health and sanity, maybe I’ll try to drink less. Let’s be real: my hangover yesterday was no joke.

That’s about it. Nothing exciting, really. Pretty much just me making an effort to stay healthy, happy, and sane. I don’t need much more than that.

Happy new year, y’all.

Just some notes.

So, good news! Darren is starting his new job tomorrow. This does mean I have to relinquish use of the car and resume taking the bus to work. Sad trombones. Especially on those 12-hour days. But he’s making more money than before, and that plus my two jobs means we’ll be able to make excellent progress with our financial goals. Adulthood win!

Unrelated: Prospero’s production of “8” is taking place on Sunday. Please come see it if you’re able. We have a very talented cast and everyone involved is just so dedicated to this entire issue. It’s pretty amazing. Oh, and the event is totally free.

Now, some frivolity.

Since I started the ol’ second job I’ve been trying not to spend too much time shopping.  That said, I’ve made a handful of purchases and have my eye on many more.

I picked up some pants, a set of makeup bags which have already been quite useful, gloves, and boots that I’ve been wearing regularly. Obviously these are all NEEDS, right?

Meanwhile, here are some things I’ve got my eye on. Yeah, those are the same boots in different colors. I have a problem. And that glorious Fossil bag is going to have to wait a long time before I can take it home. The boots too, really. Everything else? Well, we’ll see.

now there is time and time is young

One of my Facebook friends posted a link to this article from the Huffington Post. The original Glamour article was written in 1997 so it may be old news to some. But in 1997, I was twelve, and didn’t give a shit about adulthood.

Now I am an adult, and I really like this list. So, in honor of my 30 by 30 list (for which I need four more items), I’m posting it here.

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30.

Unrelated: I feel the need to apologize for the absurd photo of myself to the right. I wanted a new picture, and it was the best shot I managed to get at the time. It’s going to be replaced in the near future. I have a hard time looking at myself like that when most of the time I look more like this:

Baxter out.

All things atrocious and shameless flock from all parts to Rome.

I’ve recently discovered the awesomeness of brooches. Yes, I know. But I wore one today – the only one I own – and it made me look like I actually made an effort this morning rather than just throwing on a cardigan and calling it good.

But, as I said, I only own one brooch. This makes me sad. So, since my birthday is coming up and I know all of you want to shower me with gifts (right?), I’ll just direct you over to these fine offerings on Etsy.

Ahem.

In other news, my glasses finally shipped today. I was hoping to get them before the weekend, but since Zenni took their sweet time (they’ve been sitting in “manufactured” status since Friday), I suppose they won’t arrive until Monday or so. I am impatient. I still have to order sunglasses, though I don’t know when I’ll get around to it. Sometime in the next few weeks I suppose.

This weekend is Finally Pay The Taxes weekend. I’ll probably have to get drunk to get through it. Everything’s ready to go, I just have to pull the stupid trigger. Goodbye, $540.  Although Darren and I had a long discussion about finances over the weekend and I think we’ve finally come up with a solution that will see real results in a time frame I’m happy with. Paying off debt is for winners! And as far as the taxes go, I’ve changed my withholding already so we shouldn’t run into this problem next year. Blah blah blah.

I was about to start a new tangent about my recent obsession with danish modern furniture, but perhaps that will have to wait. Or maybe I’ll just leave it at that.

I want this chair.

That is all.

Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.

I have five open spaces left on my 30 by 30 list, but I’m already making progress on it. It’s nice to have goals, and crossing things off lists might be one of my favorite things.

Number 3 is “love my skin.” I did some research several weeks ago and picked out cleanser, scrub, and moisturizer that was recommended for my skin type. It hasn’t been long enough to really notice any changes, but I feel better just making the effort.

Number 10 is “find my perfect shade of lipstick.” I’m still going to do some experimenting, but Revlon’s Blushing Nude is freaking fantastic. Rose & Shine is the exact same color as my actual lips. That was special. I’ll still use it because I spent the money, and I think there might be some sparklies in it. But still.

Still going strong on 12, which is Project 365.

Finally, number 23 is “get new glasses.” I’ve got an appointment with the optometrist on Monday, and I’ve picked out the frames I’ll be purchasing from ZenniOptical.com:

So. There you have it. Hipstery!

As far as life goes, not much to report. Darren got promoted a few weeks ago and he’s much happier in his new position– no more customer service! Kate is moving back to St. Paul in a matter of days, which is excellent. I have a date with Kelsey tomorrow, which is random but also excellent. I think I was maybe her last resort. Maybe not. I’m cool with it either way. I’m watching The Benson Interruption on Netflix to prepare, because it’s been a long time since I watched/heard any Doug Benson comedy. Related: I miss having real cable.

Aaaaand, I bought a maxi dress. Yes, let us talk about clothes for a minute. I was afraid of maxi dresses. But this sucker is so comfortable.

Here is the pic from Target’s website

Taking photos of myself is difficult, but I tried:

I promise that hat actually sits normally. Angle = bad.

Uh, yeah. This is why I will never be a fashion blogger. Still, I totes styled this bad boy. Except, lighting, guys. My apartment doesn’t have it. Especially at night. Whatever, can we just look at my shoulders for a second? They’re lookin’ NICE. I only hope similar improvements start appearing in my midsection area.

Also, I did not intend to stand like the dress model.

Anyhoodle. This weekend brings grilling, Kelsey, Doug Benson, and stealthily acquiring quarters from the machine at the laundromat up the street because I forgot to go to the bank today. Plus, as always, plenty of Netflix. And probably gin. Can’t complain.

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable

I’m fifteen days into this 365 photo project thing. It’s going okay so far, but there have been a few days where I have almost forgotten, or I’m busy and just snap a picture of whatever. But still- I didn’t have any other goal for this project other than documenting a piece of my day, and it seems I’m doing just that. So, success thus far.

Hooray.

a sample

“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.”

I’ve had this post sitting in drafts for like a week. Ha. Maybe time to finish it?

I was reading a forum recently and someone asked “How do you define your self-worth?”

People responded with a variety of answers.  Some people who are in school talked about their grades, a couple stay-at-home moms mentioned their kids’ well-being or praise or the state of their homes. Most people said it came from their jobs. A lot of people said they rely entirely on the validation of others, which I totally get.

I realized it’s actually something I’d never given much thought to. I have self-worth, but where does it come from?

I found some college essay thing (I don’t even know) with a pretty simple definition: Self-worth is the portal through which self-esteem is received.

As work I rely on praise almost entirely. Which, obviously. It’s good to hear that you’re doing well and that the people you work for think you’re important and a necessary part of the team.

But what about the rest of my life? My job isn’t really a career (administrative assistant for life? No thanks. Sorry y’all), and I certainly don’t live for work. So if the things I do outside of work are what’s most important to me – which they are – how am I maintaining my sense of general awesomeness? I think there’s a little bit of a difference between job-worth and self-worth. I like my job, I like that I’m good at my job, and I’m glad my coworkers seem to agree, but I am not my job. No way. However! It occurs to me that I feel a lot better about myself now, with a job I like, than I did when I had a job that made me homicidal. So that’s worth noting.

Before I continue– someone on the forum said this:

One thing that really stuck with me is that if I were to ask the people who really love me why they think I’m great, not a single one would list any of the things from which I derived my entire self-worth – being smart, being competent at my job, being skinny, etc.

She hit the nail on the head.

So anyway. Where does my self worth come from? In no particular order:

• Having a job I don’t loathe and being decent at it.
• Appearance – on the days I make an effort to look good, I feel better about myself.
• Accomplishment – specifically, completing goals I set for myself. This is everything from vacuuming the apartment to getting all my workouts done (and/or bothering to work out at all, depending on the day) to finishing this post.
• Validation – compliments, y’all. If they come from someone I respect, they really mean something.
• Humor – making people laugh is the best.

Once I stopped over-analyzing, coming up with that list was pretty simple. Seems to me it’d be similar to one many other people would make. But it’s still kind of nice to know. Y’know?

Uh… the end? I guess I never thought out the conclusion to this post. I don’t get  introspective very often, so it was kind of nice to take some time and think about myself in ways other than “have I lost weight or do I need to wash these pants?”

…and what have you done?

First off, Scancy had her baby today. Christmas Even baby! Very nice.

Darren and I rolled up to Pequot today for Christmas with my family. A certain brother of mine was not in attendance — apparently he was up last weekend.  Whatevs. My aunt Teri and her husband were also absent, which was a bummer. I guess they were up earlier in the week.

I was gifted many [cup]cake decorating supplies and a couple cookbooks. The coolest thing I acquired wasn’t actually a Christmas present.

Mom was down visiting her parents recently and was helping grandma clean out some stuff. Grandma told her that of she saw anything she wanted, to go ahead and take it. One thing she brought back was for me. It’s a blanket. She said grandma had started crocheting it back when mom was around eleven years old – forty years ago – but never finished it, so she brought it to me so I could do it instead. It’s almost done; the border is the only thing that’s mostly incomplete. It came with yarn and the original pattern. Pretty cool.

So anyway, Christmas Eve was a success. We have no plans for Christmas proper: it will probably involve video games (for Darren) and crocheting and Neflix (for me. I’ve been watching Hoarders). Basically business as usual.

I hope you’re all having wonderful holidays.

going over to the enemy of our imagination

You may or may not be aware that I tend to lean toward quasi-hermitude. I don’t go out often, and sometimes admittedly turn down social invitations in favor of Netflix. It’s always been due to laziness, or a desire to save money, or the middle of winter in which case I just don’t want to have to go outside.

However. I’ve noticed lately that I seem to have developed actual, albeit comparatively slight, social anxiety,* especially when the situation involves strangers. I never used to have an issue in situations with people I didn’t know. I either made friends or I ignored the strangers in favor of the friends I already had. Done and done.

Now though, I actually feel anxious. One of Darren’s coworkers won two hours of free bowling recently, and we went. I was a little concerned, knowing it was going to be me and Darren and a bunch of strangers. I know two people he works with, and neither of them were going to be there.  When we got there and I saw all these people happily bowling and having a great time together, I was terrified. Frozen-in-place, heart pounding, clammy hands, lump-in-throat anxious and I wanted to leave immediately. We stayed, though, and I… didn’t have that good a time. The nachos were delicious though.

Now, tonight, I’m going out with Eric and a mostly unspecified group of people and I’m kind of freaking out about it. I’ve been emailing Darren expressing my concerns. He’s not going, and that’s fine, but it’s causing me to be concerned about having no allies. Not that Eric and Mike aren’t allies in general, but they’re not the people I turn to in uncomfortable situations and say “hey, this sucks, can we leave?”

Then I got a little teary (which, to be fair, has happened several times today for a variety of reasons) and wished Kate were here. And now I’m doing it again, goddamnit.

KATE. I miss you.

Anyway. I’m taking the bus to the bar with Eric tonight, and if it sucks I’m getting drunk and bussing home alone, I guess. And it’s not going to kill me, no matter what my brain seems to think.

*again, I want to be clear: I’m not saying I think I have SAD. I’m not, and I don’t. It’s nothing near that severity. I’m just saying I get really anxious and it sucks. The end.